Mr. President, Can I Borrow 2¢?

Dear Mr. President,

I would like to know if I can borrow 2¢ for the following reasons:

1. Gas prices went up 2¢ overnight to $3.69. Yesterday, I had to choose between a Whopper Jr. and a Whopper in order to settle my hyperglycemia. I needed every extra cent to put in the tank, because I only had $7.98 to my name.

2. A gallon of milk is $3.79 (on the military base it was $2.30, but I can’t get there because it would cost too much gas money). I went to the grocery store Wednesday and I swear I bought only three things: milk, bread, and eggs…and the total was $40.02. My foodstamp allotment hasn’t increased, but the price of groceries is skyrocketing.

3. I’ve been reading a lot of books lately (since I can’t go anywhere, and I don’t want to be left behind). One of my books is overdue by 2¢. The library was having a ‘take the fine away’ day if people donated canned goods. The problem, Mr. President, is that I cannot spare any of these cans of corn.

4. The price of stamps is increasing 2¢ on Monday. Isn’t this the 4th time this has happened since you’ve been in office? I’ve been mailing a bunch of letters to media personnel and Congress hoping that Republicans will never be in office again. I might have to stop that.

5. Now, Mr. President, I know you can spare 2¢ more because you’ve been giving it to me for the past 8 years. Let’s do the math together because I know you need some help:

2 X 183( 8 ) = $2,928

Break down:

Your brain power multiplied by half the number of days in one year (the other half you spent on your ranch) multiplied by the eight years you will have been in office equals the near 3 thousand dollars that I should have gotten back as innocent spouse money over the years.

(Sorry if I did the math wrong, Mr. President. I skipped a math course in college because it was cheaper to do this, after tuition increased, and financial aid didn’t…but I think the student loan interest rate went up 2%. Do you understand perCENT?)

Sincerely,

Randi

PS–If you let me “intern” for you at the White House, maybe I can save my dress, write a book, and we’ll call it even.;)